Akkarin PoV
by j-mercuryuk
Summary: Three chapters based on 3 scenes from the point of View of our favourite High Lord.
1. Chapter 1

Ok guys, here's a fanfic from me. A one shot of what may have been running through Akkarin's head at the point near the Sachaka border (going into exile) when Sonea looks up and, for a brief moment, sees the look of bitterness and frustration on Akkarin's face.

Akkarin PoV

Akkarin turned his gaze away from the horizon, where both Imardin and the guild lay. Dragging his eyes away, he knew there was little point in thinking of 'what-ifs' and 'if-onlys' and the angry thoughts of Lord Balkan. Instead he found his eyes drifting to where they often had over the last few days; to Sonea.

Perhaps it was because he had nothing else to occupy his mind apart from his inevitable return to Sachaka, something he would rather not think about. He mentally scoffed at this explanation and told himself that he knew exactly why he was watching her, and it had nothing to do with Sachaka or the memories it brought with it.

His eyes fell on her and his stomach twisted painfully when he saw the tears threatening to fall from her dark eyes, beautiful eyes that shouldn't be glistening with tears but sparkling with laughter. He knew he was the cause of that. It was his fault that she had been taken away from her home, the guild, the people she liked, her friends, her family; it was all because of him.

His stomach gave another jerk as he watched her close her eyes, trying to clear her head of whatever thoughts plagued her mind and to will the tears not to fall. If only he hadn't taught her black magic, if only he stuck by his first decision, then she would be back in the guild where she belonged, with a future, a chance to be something great, not expelled and sent into exile with him. This shouldn't be her future.

A small part of him rejected this, filling with anger at such thoughts. Why was it his fault? She wanted to learn black magic, she knew the consequences, and had turned down the gentler alternative. She deliberately disobeyed his instructions, instructions that would have saved her from the wrath of the guild. She would have been seen only as his victim rather than his willing partner in crime. He didn't know why she chose to follow him into exile (though he knew what he wished her reason was) but it was pointless. It had turned his original plan, not to mention a large part of his concentration, into ruins.

Another, larger part of him sneered at this reasoning. This was rich of him; trying to blame Sonea for this. First he took her away from a man she looked up to and loved as a father, forcing her to live with _him_, whom she feared and hated. He had allowed her to be harassed and bullied by her peers, making her life a misery. Then he had taught her forbidden magic (against his own better judgement), which had lead to her being expelled and exiled and now he was trying to blame it all on her; and he thought he loved her!

He halted this trail of thought: he shouldn't start thinking about that now. He had been forced to admit to himself that, despite his efforts to prevent it, he had fallen in love with Sonea. He tried to turn his mind away from these thoughts; it didn't matter if he loved her or not, he couldn't act on his feelings, it would be … wrong, immoral. He was 13 years her senior, not to mention he was - had been - her guardian. He was responsible for her, should be looking out for her welfare, not an opportunity to bed her. Then there was _her_. He swallowed as he remembered his last love. What about_ her? _Wasn't he supposed to love_ her?_ But she had been killed over 5 years ago, just like Sonea could be killed any day now.

That thought made him feel cold. Yes, remaining distant would be safest. Not that it really mattered, he thought, feeling his heart sink slightly. She wouldn't feel the same way. But then why had she followed him here if it wasn't love? He struggled against the rising hope he felt. It was more likely to be due to some type of misplaced loyalty, not love.

However, the rising hope also lead him to realise something, something that disturbed him more then any other feelings he felt when he looked at her. It was more frustrating than the guilt of taking her away from her life, greater than the anger that he felt at her throwing away her life, greater than his conflicting emotions about loving her. It was the happiness. He was happy and thankful that she was here with him, that he wouldn't have to enter Sachaka alone, and that he would be able to be with her everyday and watch her while she slept. He was glad that she had thrown away her life, her future; that he had caused her to throw away her future, so that he could enjoy her company in Sachaka, and he hated himself for being so selfish. He had caused the ruin of her life. What right did he have to ask for her love in return?

He saw her open her eyes and look away from the horizon. He quickly schooled his features into a mask of indifference and forced himself to look away. None; he had no right to seek her love.

**End**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Heya, because the first one seemed popular I decided to write another instalment of Akkarin PoV scenes. This one is set when Akkarin and Sonea go to bed just after they find out about Rothen's 'Death'. This is what may have happened. This one focuses more on their conversation then Akkarin's feelings. I don't think it's as good as the first one.

**Akkarin PoV2.**

Akkarin gently closed the door to the bedroom and walked over to the large comfortable bed were Sonea lay. A soft light emitted from a light globe, showing the grief which marred her face. He felt another wave of sympathy wash over him. Of all the people why was Rothen there? Why did Rothen have to die? She had already suffered so much where Rothen was concerned.

Akkarin undressed and slipped under the covers. He lay beside his lover, propping himself on one arm to watch her clearly. Her breathing was deep and controlled, occasionally hitching as she bit back a sob. She didn't say anything as he settled beside her; she just continued to stare into the space in front of her, her eyes unfocussed. It was almost as if she was having a mental conversation with another magician, except that her eyes where filled with such grief that it cut deeply in his heart.

He brushed a lock of hair away from her face and waited for her to speak. Right now Sonea needed two things; first she needed to talk, then she needed sleep. However soon it became obvious that she did not share this view as she remained silent.

"Would you like to talk?"

Sonea closed her eyes and shock her head. Tears had started to gather on her eyelashes again and he began to caress her hair.

"You'll feel better," he gently prodded, remembering how relieved he had felt after telling Sonea his story. How good it had felt to finally tell someone about his experiences in Sachaka.

She didn't move or open her eyes. He had started to think that he wouldn't receive an answer when she spoke up in a strained voice.

"It isn't fair, he didn't deserve to die," she took a deep shuddering breathe before continuing, "I know the others didn't deserve to die either, but Rothen…he wasn't a warrior, he was an alchemist. That must have been the first fight he had been in for years; he shouldn't have been there. He was so kind and understanding, he didn't deserve to die like that."

Akkarin continued stroking her hair, suddenly unsure of what to say. All he wanted to do was to take her into his arms, hold her, kiss her and tell her that everything would be fine, but everything wouldn't be fine. She had just lost someone she loved dearly, and who knew what would happen over the next few days. He couldn't tell her everything would be fine, knowing all this. Finally he found his voice again and spoke.

"Those who die in battle rarely deserve their fate." Well, that most certainly didn't sound quite so idiotic in his head.

"I know, but I never thought Rothen would…that it would happen to Rothen, not like that."

"Rothen died fighting for what, and those, he loved. Like you he could not live with himself unless he had done everything he could to protect them."

"But-" Sonea's voice was broken by a sob and she turned over to lie on her back. Tears were once again streaming down her face and she had lost the battle to control her sobbing, but it was her expression that made his heart stop. Her grief had seemed to have grown during their short conversation and now her entire face and the depths of her eyes seemed to be edged with pain and despair.

Sitting up he immediately pulled her against him and held her. For the second time that night she wept against him. Akkarin pressed a kiss against her hair as he felt her hot tears flow down his chest. She began to speak through her sobs.

"I-I never had a chance t-to see him again. To-to talk to him, an-an' explain to him properly why I was d-doing this. I-I didn't get a chance to say sorry." Sonea's sobs took over her again, causing her to shake in his arms.

Akkarin closed his eyes, so this was at the centre of her grief; the fear that Rothen had died without her amending, without explaining and apologizing. Akkarin mentally shook his head; Rothen didn't need any of these. Akkarin opened his eyes and spoke soothingly to Sonea.

"Sonea, it doesn't matter. Rothen loved you. He loved you like a daughter, and nothing could have ever of changed that. He would have understood why you did what you did before the end," he drew back and looked into her eyes, "He didn't need you to explain anything."

She stared back at him and he marvelled at how those dark eyes were still so beautiful despite the tears that filled them. "He could not have understood why I really followed you into exile," she said softly.

A half-smile tugged at his lips and he placed alight kiss on her forehead. "Perhaps that was for the best, it would have taken him a very long time to come to terms with that idea."

A ghost of a smile appeared through her tears and he felt a small thrill of happiness, but this soon disappeared with her smile.

"Does it ever stop hurting," she muttered quietly, barely loud enough for him to hear.

"Not completely, but we heal," he said as he gently brushed away her tears.

"I just wish that I could have seen him again," she closed her eyes, trying to stop her tears from falling. Akkarin bend forward and kissed away her tears which threatened to fall.

"We always do."

**End.**

There you are. Like I said, not as good as the last one, but I hope you still enjoyed it. Though Zurina seems to disagree, speaking of which; thank you again Zurina for beta reading this chapter. How knows, if I get as many reviews as last time, or more, I might but up another Akkarin PoV chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

Heya. Over a month since my last addition to this little series. Well this is the last Akkarin PoV that I'm doing, and I'm sure you'll see why after you read it. I've also made the appropriate corrections.

**Akkarin PoV 3.**

Akkarin felt the flow of magic stop and Sonea pulled her hands away from his, leaving them with a pleasant tinkling sensation. Not for the first time he had to suppress the urge to grab hold of her hands, and pull her towards him.

He knew that he should go to bed, but instead he just looked at her. She had done so much for him, by giving up everything and staying by his side, refusing Lord Osen's every offer to return to the Guild. She had given him the strength he had needed to continue, and he didn't mean magic. Her presence had given him the mental and emotional strength to get through each day in the wastelands. Looking after her had kept the memories at bay till he slept, and how had he thanked her? With a cold distance. He really should thank her, he reflected; let her know he was grateful for her joining him.

"Sonea," he said suddenly, before his mind could catch up with him and give him a dozen reasons as to why this was an incredibly stupid thing to do.

"Yes?"

"Thank you for coming with me." He felt his heart skip a beat as her sparkled happily.

There had been one major disadvantage of having her follow him. It had caused his feelings towards her grow, feelings that he was desperately trying to end. It hadn't been so bad on the first night. Looking at her had given him a reason to smile, and just watching her sleep had filled him with a kind of peace that he had not felt in a long time. However as the days had gone by and his feelings grew, they had become harder and harder to ignore and to push aside. His desires to hold her and kiss her had begun to pledge his mind all too often. It had been at its worst when she had washed, just a few metres away from him, just before spying on the ichani.

It was getting more difficult to pull his mind away from these desires and maintain his cold front; his shield against her, to keep her at a distance. But since entering Sachaka it seemed to do very little to deter her, not that it had had much effect while they were travelling into exile. Part of him knew he should find this frustrating and annoying, but instead it deepened his affection towards her. Watching her now, seemingly so happy by his simple thanks made him wonder how he could ever find her frustrating or annoying. Part of him nudged himself to say something, anything, just as long as those dark eyes kept sparkling. He really had put her through so much, he should apologise.

Yet one thought stopped him; what if she saw through his words to his true meaning, or even worse, rejected his apology. His stomach churned at this thought. It would feel too much as if she was rejecting him. But then, surely he deserved to be-no! He wasn't going to go into this again, it was far too tiring. Every night he had spent debating with himself while he stood watch and it exhausted him. She didn't love him, and he couldn't have any thing with her even if she did. That was all that mattered.

Although….surely one apology couldn't hurt, especially if it was for something that had been eating away at him for months, even before he realised he loved her. He took in a short breath before speaking, calming his nerves.

"I regret separating you from Rothen. I know he was more like a father then a teacher." As Sonea stared at him he was very thankful that the shadows hide his face from her view. "It was necessary," he added softly.

"I know," she whispered, "I understand."

"But you didn't understand then," he said dryly, "You hated me."

Her chuckled caught him by surprise, he must be more nervous then he thought.

"That's true. I don't anymore."

He found it impossible to prevent the corner of his mouth twitching into a smile. He felt something lift inside him and, with it, his spirits. He had known that she hadn't hated him any longer, but it was quite a different thing to hear her say it.

Schooling his expression back to neutral he rose and made his way over to the grass bed Sonea had made. It didn't take long for him to fall into the beginnings of an uneasy sleep.

_(&)_

Through the mists of his nightmare he felt something touch him and he flung his eyes open. Convinced it was some shadow of the past trying to harm him, he pushed against it, throwing it away from him. As his mind cleared he realised that something was wrong. Sitting up he was puzzled to find himself in a green valley, not the brown wastelands.

"Ow."

Hearing Sonea's small compliant brought the realisation of what he had done crashing down on him. It cleared the fog more effectively then if a bowl of freezing water had been tipped over him, and it felt a lot less pleasant. Scrambling to his feet, his heart was heavy when he saw Sonea lying face down on the ground.

"Sonea!" Before he could think properly the cry had left his lip and he was kneeling by her side. He failed miserably to control his trembling hands as he turned her onto her back. Well this was wonderful! Of all the idiotic things he could have done, he'd thrown the girl he loved, and only companion, across the valley and into a tree. What new ingenious thing would he think to do to her next?

He felt panic rising inside of him. As she looked up at him she looked slightly dazed. He felt his mouth go dry as he began to worry that he had seriously harmed her.

Trying to keep the panic out of his voice he spoke, "Are you hurt?" What a stupid question! He had slammed her against a tree, of course she was hurt!

He watched as her gaze slipped out of focus as she examined herself. The seconds dragged by as he waited, his heart beating against his chest. With each passing second his fears grew, threatening to let the panic take over.

Finally her gaze shifted back. "No, just bruised I think."

Relief swept over him, allowing curiosity to stand in the place of the fear. "Why did you wake me?"

He saw her gaze shift from his face to his hands. He suddenly became very aware of the fact that his hands were shaking violently. He resisted the strong urge to pull them shamefully from her sight. Her gaze flickered back up to his face again as she replied to his question.

"You were dreaming. A nightmare…."

A wave of happiness swept over him. She had been worried about him. He had hated waking from his nightmares to find her watching him in his weakness, scared of some memories in the dream world. However, finding out that she had cared enough to try and wake him went a great ways towards softening the blow to his pride. With this knowledge he was able to steady his hands and voice.

"I am used to them, Sonea," he said, relieved that his voice came out calm and controlled, not wavering with excitement, "They are no reason to wake me." Not unless she wanted to be flung into a tree again.

"You were making a lot of noise"

At these words he came crashing down to reality. Idiot! Of course she hadn't been worried about him, she was just worried that he would draw the attention of their pursuers

He straightened and spoke in a low voice, "Go to sleep Sonea. I will watch."

He knew he sounded annoyed at her, perhaps part of him was. He knew this wasn't Sonea's fault that he couldn't his unwanted desires in check. It was unfair to speak to her in this way, but he needed to be alone with his thought. Besides, he wouldn't be able to sleep now.

"No," she exclaimed, "You've barely slept-and I know you won't wake me up when it's your turn to sleep."

This time he refused to let the hope rise up at the words. "I will. I give you my word," and he offered her his hand, finally helping her up from where she lay on the ground.

He felt the warmth of the rising sun as its rays began to fall on the small valley, and Sonea. Akkarin felt rooted to the spot, held captive by the memorising image of Sonea in the day's first light. Never had she seemed more beautiful. The light brought out her flawless pale skin and even the sun couldn't outshine that mysterious light in those dark eyes. Her lips seemed to beg him to attack them with his own….

He felt her brush against his mind and he snatched his hand away from hers. He took a step away from her. How much had she seen? How would she react if she had seen his thoughts?

He frowned as she took a step towards him. What was she doing? Surely if she had seen his thoughts then she would have turned away by now, or said something, but she was walking towards him. His head spun as he tired to work out exactly what was going on.

His eyes widened with surprise as stepped very close, uncomfortably close. She was almost touching him. She was close enough for him to smell her, to breath on her. She hadn't been this close since he had saved her from being discovered by the Ichani on the first night. It was intoxicating. He couldn't think straight. Only one thought came out clearly; he had to push her away, otherwise he didn't know what he might do.

His hands encircled his arms, ready to do just this when she rolled onto the balls of her feet and kissed him. His hands tightened as all his thoughts fled his mind. He froze and there was a desperate mental search for his missing thoughts. What was he supposed to do? It was hard to think when he was so light headed. He could feel his blood surging through his body. She leaned against him; she wanted to deepen the kiss.

He closed his eyes to collect his thoughts. Part of him couldn't - wouldn't - believe that this was really happening. He wanted this; he wanted it so badly it hurt. Dozens of reasons raced through his head as to why he couldn't have this though. All he could think in return was why not? She was making it very clear that she felt the same way, why couldn't he have this? A corner of his mind laughed at this and asked if he wanted the whole list or just last night's arguments.

There was something else. His heart was racing and not just from the excitement, there

was an undercurrent of fear as well. He couldn't do it again. He couldn't lose the one person he loved above everything else, even his own life. An image of _her _flashed through his mind pushing him into action.

He pulled away from her, but he couldn't let go of her. He tired but his hands refused to obey. They seemed perfectly content where they were; wrapped tightly around Sonea's arms.

"Stop. Stop this," he breathed, unable to speak properly for a moment. He opened his eyes and stared at her in a way he hoped would emphasise his point. He watched as Sonea searched his face. For a second she looked unsure and he felt a strange mix of relief and disappointment. However her doubt was quickly replaced with confusion.

"Why?"

He frowned, where to start? "This is wrong," he settled on.

"Wrong? How? We both feel…feel…"

"Yes," he interrupted softly. He turned his head, unable to look at her any longer, "But there is more to consider."

"Like?"

Akkarin finally got his hands to let obey him and he released her arms, allowing him to step back to safer distance. Swallowing he prepared to repeat what he'd been telling himself for the last week.

"It would not be fair-to you."

Sonea looked at him carefully before replying. "Me? But-"

Akkarin interrupted her, unable to let her finish. He needed to finish this as quickly as possible. "You're young. I am twelve-no, thirteen years older then you."

Something flashed across her face and when she spoke she seemed to choose her words carefully.

"That is true, but women in the houses are matched with older men all the time. Much older men. Some when they're as young as sixteen. I'm nearly twenty."

Akkarin groped around for another excuse as Sonea discarded his main argument with ease. He'd struggled with that point for weeks, trying to justify it and she had thrown it aside with barely a second thought. His resolve grew weaker.

"I am your guardian."

She smiled at him. "Not anymore."

But if we return to the Guild-"

"Will we cause a scandal?" she chuckled. "I think they're getting used to that." He frowned. How could she laugh at it; at her life being ruined? Did she really not care? She seemed to see his lack of amusement and sobered. "You speak as if we'll go back and everything will be the same again. Even if we return, nothing will ever be as it was for us." She was quickly tearing down his walls and brushing aside all his reasoning that he had clung to for the last few days. "I am a black magician. So are you."

He winced. Just as he was beginning to accept that perhaps this could work she says that, washing back all his guilt.

"I am sorry. I should never have-."

"Don't apologise for _that_," she said rather irritably, "I choose to learn black magic. And I didn't do it for you."

All Akkarin could do was watch her in silence. He didn't trust himself to speak, even if he did know what to say. But still, something held him back. She had worked against him until he was desperately clinging to what he had been telling himself for the past few days, but was it really necessary? Would the pain be any less if she died with out them deepening this? It hadn't before, so why would be any different now? He felt a wave of guilt at this thought; he never thought he would fall in love again. He shouldn't have these feeling for Sonea. Not after last time, after having seen his lover die. But this time he wouldn't let it happen, he swore he would die before he let it happen. On the other hand was this fair to Sonea? They were fighting a loosing battle; either of them could die any day. She had to understand that.

Sonea's sigh brought him back to the present and he watched her turn away. "Well this is going to be awkward."

Akkarin could see his last opportunity turning away with Sonea and his resolve melted away.

"Sonea."

She tuned and stilled when he stepped forward. He was unable to resist the urge to brush a stray lock of hair out of her face. He felt his heart beat quicken at the contact. He had to make her understand their position.

"Either of us could die in the next few weeks," he told her quietly.

She nodded, "I know."

"I'd be happier knowing you were safe."

He couldn't stop the smile spreading as Sonea's eyes narrowed at him. "No, I will not start that argument again, but….you test my loyalties Sonea."

She frowned at him, "How?"

He traced a finger along her frown. She didn't need to know about it, he decided, it wasn't important now. He knew he couldn't back away from this. He couldn't go through the torment of being so close to someone and yet never being able to be with them. Not now, not when he didn't have to. No, there was no turning back now; he was well and truly in love with her.

"It doesn't matter." The corner of his mouth curled up. He didn't want to back away from this. "It's too late anyway. I started to fail that test the night you killed the Ichani."

His smile widened as she blinked in surprise, and he felt a wave of affection sweep over him. He slipped his hands around her waist and he pulled her closer to him. A pleasant chill went down his spine as Sonea's finger traced the curl of his lip. Unable to deny his desire any longer he leaned forward and finally claimed her lips.

For the first time in many years he felt content and at peace. He was finally able to love again.

**End.**

Well there you go. The last instalment, again I'm not as happy with it as my first two, but maybe that's just me. It is 'a little' longer then the other two……about 4 times as long. This is actually how long my chapter do tend to be, but this is nearly running into Pelican Stop Market length…nearly. Well, your views are perfectly welcome.


End file.
